Dara O'Briain - "Listen"

Dara (at the Theatre Royale) gives relationship advice to a couple in the audience

Irishman cuts off his own arm to escape British TV nightmare

D'Unbelievables are an Irish comic duo formed in late 80s by Pat Shortt and Jon Kenny in Limerick. They created characters which can be seen on every street corner and every pub in Ireland.
Their performances include; One Hell of a Video, D'Telly, D'unbelievables, D'Video,D'Collection, Films: The Closer You Get, Angela Mooney Dies Again, Saltwater, This Is My Father.

After days trapped on the sofa of his home, Patrick Murphy realised that he must sacrifice his own arm — or go insane

Speaking from his hospital bed, Mr Murphy recalled the story of horror beyond human understanding: "It began when the remote fell down the back of the big sofa bed," stuttered a one armed Mr.Murphy. "I put my hand down to retrieve it and my arm stuck in the folding mechanism. After hours of trying to free myself, It was clear that it wasn't going to work itself loose. I had to sit and wait for help to arrive."

But no one came for Mr Murphy. After two days, still no knock on the door, desperation set in. "I ran out of potato crisps after two days, and the last of the Guinness went shortly after that. And all the while the British Broadcasting Corporation kept broadcasting endless footage of socially and mentally inadequate ex-celebrities playing with themselves, with these horrible accents, in the jungle somewhere," said Mr Murphy. "After a while, the bullshit of it all began to play on my mind. I started to hallucinate. Ridiculous visions of top-quality Irish television drama danced before my eyes. Only then did I make the decision to cut off my own arm with the ring-pull from a Guinness can."

As anyone who has ever cut off their own arm can tell you, this is no easy matter, he said. Mr Murphy has cut off his arm, so he recounts the story: "At first I couldn't cut the flesh covering my arm. In fact, I needed to make it numb to stand any chance, so I clubbed my arm with a magazine until it went limp. After that, it was a simple matter of cutting through the flesh and muscles until I was free."

Finding his way to the telephone with his bleeding arm in tow, Mr Murphy dialled the ambulance and slumped on the floor. "They told me they'd definitely be round before the end of the week," recalls Murphy, "so I kept up morale by switching manually to RTE the Irish channel. I thought there'd be some documentary strand worth watching, instead of all that BBC endless loop of celebrities pulling off their faces to advertise some BBC channel package. It just went on, and on, and on...."

At this point in his sad story Mr Murphy broke down. Doctors asked the hacks and paparazzi to let the poor man get some rest. The assembled press respected his wish but not before one last question: "What was the worst moment?" A sobbing Murphy did not hesitate in his reply: "John Simpson's pompous and self-satisfied face twittering on for the 200th time about 'Freeview — or some new package of BBC channels...'."

Mr Murphy is expected to make a physical recovery. His long-term mental well-being depends largely on some decent TV schedules.

Tommy Tiernan - Drug Olympics

Rocks of Bawn Live and unplugged

Knob-Chop Doc anti-Semite say Militant Beardies


Irish surgeon faces Guantonemo internment camp.

The Irish surgeon who cut off the penis of a man who was only booked in for circumcision is an anti-Semite, the US Jewish lobby has declared.

Dr Patrick Murphy has been arrested over accusations of negligence, malpractice and failure to possess the necessary certification for knob and rock surgery, although the bearded black helicopter brigade says the conspiracy goes far deeper than that.

"This man is an anti-Semite," stated one. "Why else would he cut off the penis of an innocent man? We may have another Joseph Mengele on our hands — who knows how many he has already prevented from procreating. He must be held in a containment facility and if necessary executed."

Despite the patient's confessed Catholicism, the event has sent a chill through America. "There is an increasing incidence of this anti-Semitic behaviour," one congressman told reporters. "This is a free and fair country and anyone that doesn't respect different races and religions can leave. Especially Muslims."

Under new laws, the US government is entitled to imprison indefinitely anyone in the world that behaves differently to how it wants them to. Already, a Chilean farmer, a sports commentator from Zambia, some rag-heads and several thousand Afghans have been subject to the laws which will protect our freedom. Dr. Murphy is most likely to be transported to a new facility being built in Texas, rather than Guantonemo, for those of alternative ideological persuasion.

Meanwhile, the memberless patient, who begged us to remain anonymous, continues to rock back and forth in front of a selection of pornography, desperately going through his kitchen cabinets every five minutes in the hope of finding something that will relieve him. The closest so far was the lemon zester.

Dr. Murphy in his defence has stated, that if something can go wrong , it will go wrong, according to Murphy's Law which is not his fault and that the partient is lucky to have his rocks on, atall atall, as he understood the man wanted a sex change.

Maimin Cajun Band, An Dreoilin

The Maimin Cajun Band from Conamara, fronted by Sean Monaghan sings An Dreoilin, accompanied by zany slides of Ireland... There are 2 other versions of this very popular song on TG4gaeilge, with Sean himself in the video (although the sound track is best on this version). The song concerns a wren, the king of all birds, and a frequent topic in Irish folklore. This wren has some troubles with a cat.

Lanigan's Ball , The Barstewards

BBC victim of a devastating suicide bomb attack. Police suspect the motivation behind the attack was that the station's playlist was past its sell-by date and highly irritating to militant music lovers across the country and its policy of football censorship of fans is also suspect.


Eye witnesses say that a young white man — yes that’s white — entered the building disguised in tweeds and a flap-cap. He then infiltrated the place “where the magic happens” and set off the device. One DJ, Sarah Nixon, unfortunately survived, however the other — Tony Vine — was killed outright.

First in line to pay his respects about the awful, terrible tragedy was Gordon Brown. “I just can’t express in words how truly sorry I am for this awful, terrible, awful tragedy. Back when I was a lad I always wanted to be a DJ. I was known to the DJing world as DJ GB and Tony Vine was a great inspiration to me. The loss of the DJ Tony Vine will be an unmatched loss to the world”

The Queen quickly put it her two cents: “I know young people today may not think Tony — dammit — Pine that’s it Tony Pine wasn’t exactly bipping it or bopping it or whatever’s hip and grooovy nowadays. But to many of the geriatric generation, of which I am a member, Mr Pine was as 'innit' as they come.”

Charles Kennedy was quick to jump on the bandwagon: “In this time of tragedy…” Unfortunately for him he was quickly ignored as the press rushed off at the news that Bob Geldof was about to make a statement.

DJ Sarah “space-hopper” Nixon, who survived the blast, had this to say from her hospital bed: “We’d just finished playing Riding along in my automobile and were just about to put it on again when in burst this maniac saying things I can’t repeat here — awful things. And then he just blew himself up”. Fortunately, The Rockall Times has managed to get a copy of the broadcast and has found that amongst other things the maniac called Sarah Nixon a “droopy balding fossil” and also alleged that she sexually abused children and farmyard animals.

Police have said they suspect Duncan Goodlad of 14 Terence Street, Barnet, (070438839751693), of committing the crime, and are calling on journalists to badger his relatives and find out the truth. The Rockall Times spoke to the suspect's mother Jackie (45) who told our rapid response team: “Well that explains what he was doing in the shed all the time with the explosions and the asking me to lend him money for gunpowder. Of course if I’d known the station bothered him that much I would have just turned it off.” The suspect's father Dick had this to say “He always did take after his mother.” The only information we could glean from his brother Ted was that he was only, in fact, the suspect’s half brother.

Later in the day it was revealed that Duncan had left a video diary. In it he says “Their music is just so irritating. I’m doing the world a favour. I mean why do people want to listen to new music for ten years of their life and then for the rest of their life just listen to the same music over and over again? I swear they only have about 15 songs anyway.” Capital Gold later refuted this allegation a spokesman said: “I’m sure we’ve got a few more at the back of the cupboard somewhere.”

Within minutes of the attack the former homo secretary David Blindgit had issued a statement declaring that the incident was defiantly the work of al-Qaeda. However, after he was taken aside and told the suspect was white he retracted the previous statement and said that it was “definitely the work of al-Qaeda and the IRA working together.” He said he would respond to the incident with the usual fast-track programme to introduce identity cards.

The BBC has announced that in memory of the dead DJ they will be broadcasting a moment of silence continuously for the next three months. They urged listeners to tune in to pay their respects. The station later denied this policy was anything to do with the fact that all of its irreplaceable 78 records had been badly damaged by fire.

In case of further attacks, BBC is now on its highest state of alert and Terry Wogan has gone into hiding at an unnamed station somewhere in the Home Counties.

OSCAR WILDE

Cead Mile Failte, A Hundred Thousand Welcomes

Mrs Doyle Swearing

Cead Mile Failte, A Hundred Thousand Welcomes