Saturday, 12 January 2013


A customer enters a pet shop.

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.


Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!


Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh,
we're right out of parrots.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a slug.


Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.


Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.


Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

Link Petrol bombs fired at NI police - An Irish Times Debate

A Belfast kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the Unionist flag and asked, "What flag is this?"A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country.""Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?"'No Surrender," the girl said confidently.

Peter Robinson called Martin McGuinness and said: "Martin, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of Ireland, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a British Union Jack flag."
McGuinness said:"Peter, what was on the flag?" Robinson said: "No Surrender".
McGuinness said: "You know, Peter, I'm really glad you called because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Belfast and it was even more beautiful than before the Loyalist Flag pogroms; it had been completely rebuilt. And on every building there was a flag."
Peter said: "Martin, what was on the flags?"
McGuinness replied: "I really don't know. I can't read Gaelic Irish"

Friday, 11 January 2013


Jimmy Savile reports - live blog

The belief that society exists has sabotaged every effort to change mankind. It is the reason why revolutions have failed. It is about a totally different revolution: the revolution in the heart of the individual.

Jimmy Savile Final Interview

He was the ultimate TV and Radio legend who in 2012 has become one of the most talked pulic figures. No longer are people celebrating his life, they’re questioning whether we really knew the real Jimmy Savile.
Savile was the Star of ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ and ‘Top of the Pops’ and at 84 was as fun, funny and as entertaining as ever. Jimmy’s greatest achievement was raising over £40 million for charity!
Belfield went to meet Jimmy at his home in Leeds and talked for over an hour about the Big Man’s life and wonderfully colourful career. This interview was Jimmy’s final in-depth interview.
This interview was published in a two page spread in the Sun newspaper the day after he died. The interview later went out on BBC Radio 2 on Christmas Day 2011 at 9pm, the UK’s number 1 radio station.

Truth”, so said Mark Twain, “is stranger than fiction”. 

Imagine a film or some pulp fiction ‘Horror’ writer wrote a story about some sexual predator;  a gold lamé trackuited, jewellery encrusted, shoulder-length platinum blonde-haired, beast, who ‘yodelled’ manically while puffing on an endless supply of huge Cuban cigars. 

Then make him a serial SEX abuser of young girls and boys. 

 oh and dead corpses, who spent 10 intimate Xmas, with the Britain's only ever female Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher responsible for the deaths of numerous young people in British Occupied Ireland.

To put it in a nutshell, an abuser of ANYONE who might be deemed to be vulnerable or defenceless; young OR old.

Like children in special homes or Approved schools. 

People in hospital, frail and dependant on others for their needs. 

Or, lets really go out on a limb and make him an abuser of people in psychiatric institutions; the incarcerated, requiring pharmaceutical and psychiatric care.

Let’s the Government give him access, keys and total freedom to wander around these institutions, hospitals and schools, unimpeded; abusing and degrading whoever, wherever andy British commoner he fancies as he goes.

Now then ! How utterly ridiculous and entirely incredible a tale is THAT then??

OK then; let’s try and make it even more ludicrous and perverse.

Let’s say he also has a predilection for Necrophilia. 
Let’s say he enjoys intimate acts with corpses; 

That he has SEX with dead bodies.

NOW we’re going TOO far! Totally devoid of any credibility whatsoever, right? I mean, such a fabricated MONSTER would be way beyond the most deranged dreams of even the most disturbed fantasist ever, right?

Yeah, but hold on; stay with me on this.

Let’s say that not only did he indulge in ALL of the above despicable acts, but that he was allowed to do so for perhaps as long a period as FIFTY years; HALF a Century, without censure, prohibition or apprehension.

AND, if it was possible to demolish any last vestiges of plausibility, let’s make this BEAST one of the most recognised faces on TV; apparently beloved and adored by MILLIONS, a wacky pioneer, a zany Disc Jockey and a tireless CHARITY worker who raised countless sums for many Hospitals.

A DEVIL in an Angel’s disguise, if you will.

Revered and worshipped by kids, Mum's, Dad's, Grannies and all!
Of course, such a TALE, or screenplay, would never get past the brief opening synopsis! It would be tossed aside in utter contempt!

Who could ever buy this crap?”
 some wizened old publisher or Movie mogul would snarl;
 “How the hell would this guy get away with a FRACTION of what he does in ONE WEEK, let alone a lifetime?

Ah, yes, well; you see, this is the tricky bit. Let’s suppose our Monster moved in certain ‘circles’; people with like-minded, erm...penchants.

People with whom he had a mutual understanding. 

People who were powerful.

REALLY, really powerful.

And who just happened to share similar ‘interests’ or indulgences. 

People who couldn’t be seen to be attempting to... erm... ‘procure’ suitable participants for their own perverted desires and fantasies.

People who would readily welcome and embrace the opportunity to befriend someone who COULD procure, supply and deliver, such participants. 

Of ANY age.

People, perhaps, who were OTHER, famous faces, leading sordid ‘other’ lives.

Other Disc Jockeys.

Pop Stars.

TV Stars.

Infamous Gangsters from BOTH sides of the water.



Perhaps..................even................PRIME Ministers.

Or Royalty..........................

OK! OK! OK! I’m outta here!!

Jimmy Savile.1926 -  2011..... If there be a GOD; please let there be a Hell.

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Civilisation goes beyond modernity; it is the process of restraining of irrational and anti-social drivers and the gradual elimination of violence from social life. It is a system of social institutions which safeguards social peace and individual security.
In fact, civilisation is a moral force. It entails a behavioral and moral status in which human beings care for their kind and sometimes even for other species; it is about respecting and helping each other. In a civilised society people are valued because they are human beings. Civilised people reach a phase where they avoid violence and resolve their problems through dialogue. If we apply these criteria to civilisation, humanity certainly continues to fail the test.
From ancient history to the present time, human beings have been at war with each other but at no time have we been so ready to destroy each other as in the age of 'civilisation'.  In recent times, the barbarity of our civilisation has reached its zenith on many occasions. For example, from April to June 1994, in the space of 100 days, an estimated 800,000 Rwandans were massacred. This is only one example of many other massacres we human beings have inflicted on each other in our recent history.
We humans have developed nuclear weapons knowing that one day we might use them to annihilate our opponents. Nuclear weapons might be considered mutual deterrence but there is no doubt that they can also play the role of mutual destruction. We, the ''civilised'', have built enough nuclear weapons to destroy this earth many times over. The Federation of American Scientists estimates that there are more than 19,000 nuclear warheads owned by nine countries. Of these, some 4800 warheads are on high alert, ready for deployment at short notice.
One would expect that civilisation would make us realise our past mistakes and encourage us to get rid of the current nuclear stockpiles that we have built. Regrettably, more countries are joining the nuclear club for the very purpose of deterrence. Our imagination and creativity has never failed us when it comes to building more advanced, sophisticated and destructive weapons to kill each other.
One would expect that our civilisation has taught us to be respectful of other human beings and their rights. However, we have never been short of dictators who have been willing to kill thousands to retain their power, or states that do not hesitate to massacre their own minorities to assert their dominance.
We human beings claim to be the noblest of species and for this very reason many societies believe that God has blessed humanity with guidance through religion. However, we have changed these very religions into an ideology of hatred towards other human beings who do not share our views. We waste no time in declaring other religions false and we do not hesitate to kill those we consider unbelievers. Where in the animal kingdom, apart from us ''civilised'' humans, one would explode themselves among their own kinds killing as many as they can.
If caring for others is part of civilisation, then poverty is a curse on humanity. We are the richest people on the planet in the history of mankind. Yet, according to the United Nations, throughout the world more than 2.5 billion men, women and children live in grinding poverty on less than $2 a day. They suffer from chronic hunger and malnutrition, preventable diseases, environmental degradation, low literacy rates and countless other social, public health, economic and political problems.
Civilisation is about collective humanity, caring, forgiveness, respect and love for one's kind in which advanced culture, industry and technology are employed to achieve this purpose. Alas, a brief look at the way we human beings conduct ourselves entitles us to be seen as no more than ''civilised savages'' who have achieved modernity without the underlying moral compass of civilisation itself.

Professor at the Centre for Cultural Diversity and Wellbeing