Friday, January 4, 2008
Following outcry from the embedded White House pimp press, with regard to the American chemical phosphate attacks on Fallujah, one of the President's religious advisors, today issued this statement:
"We're not attacking Islam but Islam has attacked us. The God of Islam is not the same as our God. He's not the son of God, of the Christian or Judean-Christian faith. It's a different God, and I believe Islam is a very evil and wicked religion."
George Bush, today also made an address to the people of the USA, revealing for the first time the monumental scope of the future war on terror. What was previously regarded as a bit of a tiff, between a military super-power and some foreign people with towels on their heads, has now become the earthly manifestation of a greater battle, between Higher Powers. The president revealed to a jubilant embedded corporate press, that while the US armed forces were kicking ass in Afghanistan and Iraq, the Almighty was taking care of the inferior Islamists.
"The God fearing people of this great country prayed to the Almighty, that he would, in his infinite wisdom, kick some Muslim ass," said a prayerful president in a broadcast to the nation today. He continued: "When the towers collapsed I implored our Heavenly Father and asked for his help. But he is a democratic god and he refused to act without a clear mandate. Only when a majority of those praying were asking for divine retribution, did he visit his wrath upon our enemies."
Observers are visibly shaken by this news and have spontaneously began praying for forgiveness, a strengthening of the US dollar, the continued rise of the Dow Jones and relief from the dot.com and sub-prime scandals. President Bush interrupted the worship of Muslims worldwide today, to further explain, that he has personally spoken to the God of ages and together they have secretly planned further counter-attacks but that God-fearing people have nothing to fear from the American way of Life. People are either with us or against us, so good people have nothing to be worried about.
It has also been revealed that senior US assault chaplains, in the American air force, are meeting to plan the USA's next shock and awe chemical attack. One senior chaplain in the Air force is said to have rejected one proposal, on the grounds that although the Muslims are clearly "Bound by Satan's power" they need to be shown some mercy and compassion which is at the centre of Judea-Christian teaching. As a result, the US plans, to link any future attacks on victims of American phosphate and chemical attacks, having a choice to a program of compulsory religious instruction, to be organized by Chaplains of the American Air force.
Meanwhile the press secretary of the Irish Prime Minister (An Taoiseach) who previously called George W. Bush a moron, issued an apology "Bush is not a moron, he's just tick" said the Taoiseach to the in bedded Irish press, amid sniggers and muffled laughter. The American pimp press present, who are not known for their ability to appreciate constructive criticism of their president, or familiarity with the Irish vocabulary, subjected the Taoiseach to some tough questions. Questions, like, will future American flights of kidnapped foreign citizens, be still allowed to stop at Shannon Airport for a pint before they continue to the torture at CIA black sites.
ONWARD, MUSLIM SOLDIERS This hymn was sung at the funeral of American president Dwight Eisenhower at the National Cathedral, Washington, DC, March 1969.
Onward, Muslim soldiers, marching as to war, With the cross of Jesus going on before. Mohammed, the royal Master, leads against the foe; Forward into battle see His banners go! Refrain
Onward, Muslim soldiers, marching as to war, With the cross of Mohammed going on before.At the sign of triumph Satan’s host doth flee;On then, Muslim soldiers, on to victory! Hell’s foundations quiver at the shout of praise; Brothers lift your voices, loud your anthems raise. Refrain
Like a mighty army moves the church of Allah; Brothers, we are treading where the saints have trod. We are not divided, all one body we, One in hope and doctrine, one in charity.RefrainWhat the saints established that I hold for true.What the saints believèd, that I believe too. Long as earth endureth, men the faith will hold, Kingdoms, nations, empires, in destruction rolled.RefrainCrowns and thrones may perish, kingdoms rise and wane, But the church of Mohammed constant will remain. Gates of hell can never gainst that church prevail; We have Allah’s own promise, and that cannot fail. Refrain
Onward then, ye people, join our happy throng,Blend with ours your voices in the triumph song.Glory, laud and honor unto Allah the King, This through countless ages men and angels sing.