Monday, 7 January 2008

Lanigan's Ball , The Barstewards

BBC victim of a devastating suicide bomb attack. Police suspect the motivation behind the attack was that the station's playlist was past its sell-by date and highly irritating to militant music lovers across the country and its policy of football censorship of fans is also suspect.

Eye witnesses say that a young white man — yes that’s white — entered the building disguised in tweeds and a flap-cap. He then infiltrated the place “where the magic happens” and set off the device. One DJ, Sarah Nixon, unfortunately survived, however the other — Tony Vine — was killed outright.

First in line to pay his respects about the awful, terrible tragedy was Gordon Brown. “I just can’t express in words how truly sorry I am for this awful, terrible, awful tragedy. Back when I was a lad I always wanted to be a DJ. I was known to the DJing world as DJ GB and Tony Vine was a great inspiration to me. The loss of the DJ Tony Vine will be an unmatched loss to the world”

The Queen quickly put it her two cents: “I know young people today may not think Tony — dammit — Pine that’s it Tony Pine wasn’t exactly bipping it or bopping it or whatever’s hip and grooovy nowadays. But to many of the geriatric generation, of which I am a member, Mr Pine was as 'innit' as they come.”

Charles Kennedy was quick to jump on the bandwagon: “In this time of tragedy…” Unfortunately for him he was quickly ignored as the press rushed off at the news that Bob Geldof was about to make a statement.

DJ Sarah “space-hopper” Nixon, who survived the blast, had this to say from her hospital bed: “We’d just finished playing Riding along in my automobile and were just about to put it on again when in burst this maniac saying things I can’t repeat here — awful things. And then he just blew himself up”. Fortunately, The Rockall Times has managed to get a copy of the broadcast and has found that amongst other things the maniac called Sarah Nixon a “droopy balding fossil” and also alleged that she sexually abused children and farmyard animals.

Police have said they suspect Duncan Goodlad of 14 Terence Street, Barnet, (070438839751693), of committing the crime, and are calling on journalists to badger his relatives and find out the truth. The Rockall Times spoke to the suspect's mother Jackie (45) who told our rapid response team: “Well that explains what he was doing in the shed all the time with the explosions and the asking me to lend him money for gunpowder. Of course if I’d known the station bothered him that much I would have just turned it off.” The suspect's father Dick had this to say “He always did take after his mother.” The only information we could glean from his brother Ted was that he was only, in fact, the suspect’s half brother.

Later in the day it was revealed that Duncan had left a video diary. In it he says “Their music is just so irritating. I’m doing the world a favour. I mean why do people want to listen to new music for ten years of their life and then for the rest of their life just listen to the same music over and over again? I swear they only have about 15 songs anyway.” Capital Gold later refuted this allegation a spokesman said: “I’m sure we’ve got a few more at the back of the cupboard somewhere.”

Within minutes of the attack the former homo secretary David Blindgit had issued a statement declaring that the incident was defiantly the work of al-Qaeda. However, after he was taken aside and told the suspect was white he retracted the previous statement and said that it was “definitely the work of al-Qaeda and the IRA working together.” He said he would respond to the incident with the usual fast-track programme to introduce identity cards.

The BBC has announced that in memory of the dead DJ they will be broadcasting a moment of silence continuously for the next three months. They urged listeners to tune in to pay their respects. The station later denied this policy was anything to do with the fact that all of its irreplaceable 78 records had been badly damaged by fire.

In case of further attacks, BBC is now on its highest state of alert and Terry Wogan has gone into hiding at an unnamed station somewhere in the Home Counties.

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