Friday, 28 January 2011


You may download his manifesto "Twilight Over England" here:

Lord Haw Raised in Galway beside Mayo, see link;

The following is Paddy Murphy's premonition of an average afternoon when Fine Gael Fuerher gets elected and the last commoners of the Irish scums state, not carrying a shiny new Euro ID card and a few dozen Protestant dissidents leading dogs on a bit of twine and hanging around Free Derry whining about freedom and sovereignty.

[Scene 1 ..The Post Office. When: In the not-too-distant future under Fine Gael Fuerher...]

Paddy: Heil, I'd like to renew my car tax.
Post Office: Certainly Herr Citizen. Would you care to speed things up by using your shiny Euro identity card?

Paddy: Ahem yes, that would seem to be a feckin fine idea.
PO: Let me just rub it on my jumper and swipe it... Herr. Murphy... Is
this the tax on the clapped-out Astra?
Joe: Yes.
PO: Bit of trouble with the MOT this time I see. Jaysus that wasn't
cheap! Still, at least the speeding points come off your licence in December , that's something to look forward to. Bloody hell, that Judge really hammered you didn't he? Probably took exception to that membership of Amnesty Internationals back in your student days. Six months or twelve?
Paddy: I was only in it for four months...
PO: Not according to this. Actually, I meant the car tax.
Paddy: Oh right. Twelve.
PO: How would you like to pay?
Paddy: IMF, all the other banks are bankrupt !
PO: No, you're up to your limit on that, what about the Euro One
Paddy: I don't have one.
PO: Says here you do... oh hang on... no the bloke using that is in
Cork at the moment buying DVD players. He's run up quite a bill for
you there a chara. Try the IMF card.
Paddy: Here you go.
PO: No, something wrong here, won't let me complete the transaction.
Let's have a look... ah... yes... your RTE licence has expired. Are you
going to pay that too?
Paddy: Well, I thought I would leave it till next month.
PO: On your head be it. Do you want some Euros while we're at it? Two
weeks in Marbella, ha, you lucky devil. I see you're flying KLM. Good
Joe: Er, yes I'll do that now. Give me 500 in mixed notes.
PO: It'll have to be 200 I'm afraid. The car tax has taken a bite out
of your funds and your monthly ID card purchase fee direct debit is due
out of the account tomorrow. Right, there you go. Have a nice day sir.

Tesco checkout
Paddy: Heil !, can you sell me a one-month travel insurance policy?
Tesco: Yes Herr, let me have your ID card... Thanks. Do you have any
current health problems?
Paddy: No, nothing.
Tesco: You sure, Herr Murphy?
Paddy: Yes, why?
Tesco: Well it says here you were at the doctor's last week.
Paddy: Oh, that was nothing serious.
Tesco: Let me just... Oh yes, touch of the old Farmer Giles... No that
wont be a problem. Probably sitting on cheap charter flight seats
that's to blame. I see you're going KLM this time around,
though. Very wise. Oops, pressed the wrong button. [Picture of Paddy Murphy's
hideously empiled anus appears on every plasma screen in the shop,
accompanied by name, address, telephone number and email address].
Old lady in queue: Oooh they look sore, Paddy. Have you tried Anusol?
Tesco: I see your car had a bit of a struggle with the MOT. Garage not
keen on republicans?
Paddy: Can we just do the travel insurance, and these frozen peas?
Tesco: Peas? Shall I just check that don't have a genetic
predisposition to pea allergy? It'll only take a minute to scan your genome... I
understand. You're in a bit of a hurry. Very good sir. Next please.

At the Bank
Paddy: Heil !, I’d like to open a deposit account please.
Bank Clerk: Can I see your ID?
Paddy: Do I have to?
BC: Yes. It will speed things up and prevent identity theft while
ensuring that only those entitled to state benefits receive them. And it
will prevent all forms of terrorism, everywhere, for ever.
Paddy: Yes of course. Here you go...
BC: Right… Herr Murphy… How may I help? Would you like a cushion?
Paddy: Sorry?
BC: Oh, I just thought... the frozen peas helped then?
Paddy: Can we just do the bank account?
BC: Of course sir. Right, you already have a current account with us
but your holiday funds pretty well put paid to that until payday. Hmmm...
Oh dear this IMF Account is all over the place and your
EUcard is at the limit. I see you've opted to pay the BBC television licence
a month late and your car is on its last legs. You don't look like a
very good risk to me, sir.
Paddy: Hang on. The IMF card has nothing to do with me. That's some
bloke buying DVD players in Cork.
BC: You seem to know an awful lot about him, Herr Murphy.
Paddy: But it's not me, the chap in the Post Office told me...
BC: Lets look at the biometrics... Yes you're right, it's not you...
Paddy: Thank goodness for the ID card eh?
BC: Indeed sir, and just as soon as you get the Capital One Card paid
off we will be glad to welcome you as a customer.
Paddy: But it wasn't me!
BC: No, but you seem to have known all about it since 09.43 this
morning and haven't bothered to notify your card issuer.
Paddy: Every bugger else seems to know about it; why didn't IMF cards do
BC: Steady on Herr Murphy, there is the civil liberties angle. We can't just go
round invading an individual's privacy willy-nilly you know. Oh feck, I
see you've taken out travel insurance. It doesn't appear to cover you
for misuse of your IMF card. Would you like a quote for that?

Home, sweet home
[Doorbell rings]

Travelling salesman: Herr Murphy? I am Terry McGuinness the local
distributor for Anusol and...
TV licence enforcement: [Arriving behind the salesman] Herr Murphy, I'm
Sean Kenny of the TV licencing authority. Here's my ID card.
Euro Instant credit salesman: [Arriving behind TV licence enforcement] Our
records show that you're a bit strapped for cash at the moment. If you'd
just sign here I can offer you 5,000 euro right now at just 1,375,893
monthly repayments of euro 21.40.

MI-5 and the Anti Terrorist Squad: [Arriving behind instant credit salesman] Can we
have a word Herr Murphy? We gather that you lied this morning to a Post
Office operative about the period of time you spent in 1992 as a member
of Amnesty International the protectors of the soft underbelly and you have being posting scurrilous posts
about Astroturfing, bogtrotters and MI-5 censorship on Indymedia Ireland. I have to caution you that under section 12 of the...
Travelling Salesman: [Snatching card] Hold on, I was here first. You'll
all get a chance to swipe... Oh yes, Herr Murphy, those are clearing up
nicely. Now, do you want me to give you something for that pea allergy?

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