Out of prison for the second time, rambling the length and breath of the country, on a daily basis, sleeping rough, with a head full of shit, I was truly phukt in every sense of the word. I walked into a room full of smoke, whores and sober cutthroats in Galway, and learned from the discipline of simply showing up at 12 Phukt Steps meetings in the west of Ireland, taking what I wanted from the meeting and leaving the rest, along with the discipline of staying until the meeting was formally finished, that a day at a time I could stay sober. This is far easier said, than done for someone as far gone as I was, because each one there, in one way or another, was a mirror image of myself and I did not like what I saw but I had nowhere else to go only hell. Not everyone there was my cup of tea but I realized my life was on the line and slowly but surely, I found the ones who were, who helped me considerably. I learned that I was as sick as my secrets and while I still do not trust easily, after my lifetime's experiences but without trust, I was riddled with fear, which was a living nightmare. I realized eventually that in order to enjoy life I had to find something I could trust.
Trust from my experience is earned but sometimes beggars can't be choosers. During this period, the old saying, "Above All else to thine own Self be True," became particularly important, because aside from being very confused, I was intensely lonely and totally dysfunctional in all respects, with the exception of showing up at meetings on a daily basis and plonking myself in a seat and staying right to the end. I also had massive hatred against all forms of religion, and as I mentioned previously this digger deviant, has no aspirations to ever be a born again virgin. In fact before I came in, I once sat down with some people and discussed the potential of bombing every church in Ireland both Catholic and Protestant. I was riddled with so much fear, that hate became my cloak. My mind, heart and body were full of it and I learned eventually, that my Spirit or soul or whatever we want to call it, were poisoned. I was defeated as a person, along with every ethical belief I ever had.
Like the Orange Order, I was born, bred and indoctrinated, with the philosophy of NO SURRENDER !, but eventually, I was forced to be honest enough with myself, that I truly was defeated as a going concern. This for a person like me, was truly humiliating! This was where my best thinking, actions and behaviour had taken me! Fortunately for me I was at this time given a present of a book called, A New Pair of Glasses written by Chuck C. Apart from the word God, which I am still not comfortable with, it has probably been the most influential book, I have ever read. It first of all offered me the best explanation, of that much abused word Love, that I have ever found. It explained that Love is Patient. He also demonstrated that, "The most Powerful Thing on the Face of this Earth, is the Unadulterated Truth." I later learned from the mother of my ex-partner, that at end of the day, to function effectively, we need to trust something.
About this time, I met a man called Bob from Australia, who went to India where he spent almost 20 years, searching out, all the Guru's in India he could find, for a spiritual path. A friend of mine at this time, also learned from a monk in Amsterdam, a definition of the word Spiritual, that rang true with me, which simply says, " Reflect who You really Are." What Bob lerned in India, after his 20 years, with some of it's best Gurus, he told me, was that it all boiled down to, "Living and Breathing in the Moment, as aware as possible with Our Five or Six senses, as the case may Be! That was the sum total, of his 20 years wandering in India, among it's best Gurus. As time went by, I was to learn, that the most valuable thing in Life, really is Experience. I have learned from the evidence and proof of my own experience, that I have a Higher Power, that I don't understand very much, despite being a cynic, who truly does love me patiently and unconditionally, despite being the digger deviant, that I mostly am and it is most certainly is not fear based.
I am now 62 years young and have been doing this stuff for 27 years. Despite that, I still wake up most mornings with a head, that is not a million miles from a hangover. My head is often not my friend. It has a 3D imagination that works to the extreme, both for me and against me but unlike my past, I now have a choice, of which way to go. Before rising I have learned from experience, that it is a good idea for me, to apply the Third Phukt Step as sincerely as I can from my head, heart and gut, in the following words, that have special meaning and significance for me. Some days, I do not have the capacity to be very sincere about it but I do it anyway. (Higher Power ?) I offer myself to you, to do your will. Relieve me of the prison of my self, my extreme selfishness, my extreme self-centeredness and my extreme self-will. Please give me the power mentally, that I need today, the power physically, the power materially, the power emotionally, and the power sexually, I need today. I have learned over time, that I can trust these things will be given to me, to the extent of my sincerity, when request it from my mind, heart and soul.
Now for most people the gift of life is not a miracle at 62, but I can tell you for me, it is. I have always had a yearning to enjoy this gift to it's fullest but unfortunately on my own, I did not have a set of tools to achieve it. I have lost everything in life, that is worth having except my life. I lost 10 children by 5 partners, I lost several homes, I lost my freedom, with two spells in prison and before finding the 12 Phukt Steps, I lost my health and any form of sanity. Now there are plenty of people will tell you, I still haven't recovered it, but I am mostly a very happy man with a heart that is full and no longer isolated. I have recovered a lot of what I have lost, with the exception of several of my children. I have learned to enjoy life better, than even my best days drinking and I am being careful about the facts I write here, because I know I must walk the talk. I will not lie to you in these matters, because I can only keep what I have by giving it away and remembering where I come from. This not alll just for you benefit you know.
For many years, I did not have the strength, to engage with Irish politics, because it simply was too distressing. I have never ignored it and have carefully observed, that in many ways, it reflects my own personal life or perhaps I project that. But then as Jimmy from Limerick once said, how could it be any other way. My primary conditioning, is from a dysfunctional home and a dysfunctional country of violence with an inordinate amount of politically engineered emigration and repression. I have now come to the conclusion, that Mairead Farrell's statement, "Your mind is your best Weapon," and Terence McSweeney's Principles of Freedom are my best guiding light for the future, from people who actually walked their talk before me. Terence McSweeney was Lord Mayor of Cork. He died in a British Gaol, gave his life on hunger strike for his Principles of Freedom. Mairead after ten years in Armagh's women prison on release, returned to the struggle and was summarily executed, unarmed in Gibraltar.
Under present conditions in Ireland, similar to deprived areas of the US, I do believe, that unfortunately, people do have the right to bear arms, strictly for defensive purposes. I long for the day when we have a society, that has evolved to a level of civility, where this archaic form of life, is no longer necessary. Life is very precious. Censorship and political internment, play a considerable role in creating political violence in Ireland. When people are denied free speech, they often as I did in the past, see no alternative, to what I now see as reactionary politics, which I now accept has no long term future. Gerry Adams may have recognized this earlier but the non transparent, devious manner of expediting it was wrong and the Republic does not belong to a bunch of elitist, whether intellectual or material. The Republic belong to all of the people of no property in Ireland. I trust that there is still enough commonsense left in Ireland, that all it's people can determine their own future, in an environment free from censorship and disinformation. I have seen no credible evidence to the contrary, I do however feel it is our moral requirement before resorting to any form of political violence, that every other eventuality is explored thoroughly first.
Perhaps in the age of the internet this is possible, despite considerable censorship, disinformation and blanket surveillance. Ultimately I believe that we are all as sick as our secrets and sadly I believe Ireland certainly is currently but there are a few green shoots, starting like the Right2Water, People before Profit, along with some enlightened leaders in Republican Sinn Fein, however elitism and patriarchy are still a bad hangover, from the various religions in Ireland. I am certain, that eventually the 'Truth will Out' and Ireland will collectively be liberated when the lessons of Unity and Principles before Personalities are learned. The Principles of Freedom by Terence McSweeney are in the link below and I believe are essential reading for any Irish Freedom Fighter. beir bua, brion
Principles Of Freedom by Terence McSweeney